I'm going to open up about a time in my life that was not okay. Well, it never felt wrong and I think that's the scariest thing about it. I began my blog 3 days ago and I have had over 1,000 views. AMAZING! I am so thankful. I did what felt like a calling from God, and I'm so glad that I did. I have felt a calling again to write about this topic, and I'm not going to shy away from it even though I feel extremely vulnerable doing so. If one single person stops the path that I took and turns around, it will be worth it....so here it goes. I'm going to talk about my body issues. It's a topic that is far too real and felt too much in our world.
I have had an amazing life. I have been blessed so much by the Lord. I have not had to deal with too much bad, but I have always been extremely critical about my body. I have no idea why, because no one in my life has ever made me feel fat or like I wasn't beautiful. My thoughts about my body, before 2013 at least, were extremely negative. I can remember standing in the mirror naked sobbing and calling my body all kinds of disgusting things. How could I have done that? A body God created.. Shame on me! Let's start in 2008. I was born "blessed in the chest" and it showed early on in life. I hated them and they hurt my back so bad. I also thought they were the reason I felt so big, so when my doctor said I needed a breast reduction I was thrilled. Turns out, I still felt huge afterwards. I graduated high school and moved off to college being the biggest I've ever been, at 130 pounds. Now i'm 5 foot even. Well technically I'm 4' 11 3/4", but as a math teacher I like to round up. Being short and weighing that much was not a good look. (Might I remind you that my husband and I started dating in 2004 so he loved me through all of this. I just had to point that out!) Anyway, right after I moved to college is when my problem begin. Now.. I despise saying that I developed an eating disorder, but in reality I did. I can't remember if there was an exact moment that made me start not eating, but it happened. I would not eat for days. I remember specifically one time my parents were down and bought me and Carsen subway sandwiches. They dropped them off at our apartment. While I was home alone, before Carsen got home from classes, I walked all the way to the apartment dumpster and threw mine away. I went out of my way to hide something from my husband. Looking back, how could I have not felt immediate guilt for that? ugh! Now Carsen and I do not hide things from each other. We talk about it all, and that is one of the best things about us. This is the only thing I've ever hidden from him. It makes looking back on it sting a bit more. Anyways, I would not eat for a few days and then would eat just a little other days. It went on for a while until one day I slipped up and Carsen caught me. TALK ABOUT MAD! I was watched super carefully from then on and literally had to eat in front of someone for a few months before they believed I would eat by myself. I also began working out, and things got so much better. When we got married I weighed 110 lbs. I felt beautiful and confident on my wedding day. What more could I ask for!? After we got married I gained about 10 lbs and I completely freaked. I started skipping meals again and added laxatives to the mix. I also weighed myself way too much. 5 times a day too much. I remember bringing my dinner on a plate to the bathroom and getting on the scale, and if it was too much I just wouldn't eat it. I would also weigh after I worked out, and if I didn't like what I saw I would go workout more. Ya'll how pathetic was I!? I got down to 98 lbs this time. You know that feeling when take a picture and you wonder if you look fat? Yeah, I never had to think that at this point because I was a stick. I would get dizzy every single time I stood up and I couldn't even think about working out anymore because I would pass out. Some people commented on how tiny I was, and then others told me I looked great. Just goes to show you that it doesn't matter what people think of you. I looked tiny but felt awful. How you feel is important! This time my husband took matters a bit farther, he threw away my laxatives, took charge of the scale, and downloaded a calorie counter app on my phone. This is where I was introduced to My Fit Pal! LOVE that app!! I still use it today and it is such a great resource for being healthy! I gained weight and got back up to 105. I stayed 105 lbs for a good two years, and I can tell you that felt like my perfect weight. I felt wonderful, I was strong. I worked out once to twice a day. PLUS, I was healthy. I ate good and I ate often! We worked out, we cooked clean, we had cheat meals, and I only weighed once a day. 2014 was the year I finally let God shut the devil up and take the stupid "I hate my body" thinking with him! God- 5,000,000,000 devil-0! We became pregnant in 2015 and as excited as I was, the anxiety of having to gain weight was a lot. Each pound stung, but I was using my body to create a human and by this point God was a big part of my life. I felt beautiful pregnant. I still look back at pictures and thank God for my pregnant body. I gained 20 lbs and had a healthy and beautiful baby boy in November of 2015. For the few months I was able to breastfeed I lost a lot of the weight. Then with a healthy lifestyle and working out I lost all but 5 lbs. I instead used that 5 extra lbs of fat and turned it into muscle. I am now working on growing my muscle and maintaining my healthy weight. I conquered a really nasty beast. I love my mom body. I feel so strong, I have beautiful curves, and I made this perfect little boy with a body that I once treated so badly. I have never felt more confident or beautiful and I did it in the best and healthy way. Lesson learned! Here's my drift with this blog. STOP THE BODY SHAMING! Shaming your self and others might I add. Do you need to maintain a healthy weight? YES! You are wanted on this earth. You need to be healthy. However, you don't have to have a specific body shape or size to be beautiful. When we get to Heaven we will greeted by the God that created our perfectly imperfect bodies. We are all different, and we all look different. You are beautiful no matter what size or shape you are. So if you have looked in the mirror lately and the devil has put an evil thought in your head about it, go find a mirror right now. Go stand in front of that mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful. Every aspect of your body shape and size is beautiful. If anyone ever tries to tell you differently, come find me! I pack a mean punch when needed. ;) xoxo
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