First of all I added a picture of our little boy to this page because his smile can destroy any sadness.. I just love him so stinkin' much and think he is the cutest!! I'm a little biased ;) This blog post will be heavy but it's going to be filled with God's truth. I believe in being an open book... with the good and the not so good. I also believe in talking about things and being honest about feelings. It's best for everyone to share their true feelings and trials... not just our victories. So here it goes...
My husband and I decided that in 2019 we would try adding to our family. We have never been 100% on having another baby but the idea became more exciting the closer 2019 got. If you read my other blogs you would know that God blessed us with our sweet boy after almost a year of trying. We talked about the fact that getting pregnant again might take some time but if it was in God's will for us, then it would happen when it was supposed to happen. We stopped using contraception in December and on my 29th birthday found out we were pregnant! We were in disbelief... I mean we weren't even tracking my ovulation. We went back to my ovulation app and realized the days lined up for us but we were still just amazed that it happened so quickly this time. We were excited... but I was hesitant... and it all makes perfect sense now. We kept it a secret between just us for a few weeks and in January we went in for a early scan. Our little bean was measuring a week behind at the scan with a heartbeat of 110. Our doctor did not seem concerned and said that maybe my cycle was just off.. but something inside of me knew that this was not right. We left happy to see a heartbeat and we went about life as usual. We sold our house during all of this which was a HUGE blessing. It was perfect timing! So my mind was busy with that, teaching, and being a mommy/wife. My doctor set up another appointment for me at the end of February. That was a long time to wait and I continued to have a feeling that something wasn't right. I was excited and hopeful but I felt that God was preparing my mind and heart because the greatest feeling I felt was peace for whatever might happen. I just had this mentality of whatever was meant to be would happen. Only through God’s love. I didn't allow myself to get too excited and I didn't jump the gun on purchases or anything like that... which now i'm beyond thankful for. A few days ago my body started to feel completely normal. Hardly any symptoms and I just felt like myself again... which didn’t happen for me last pregnancy until the second trimester. I called my doctor and asked if I could come in because I didn't want to wait until the end of February. I went in on 2/5/19 and we found out that the baby's heart stopped beating right around our first appointment. I had suffered a miscarriage. The doctor asked if there had been any spotting and I said no but that my symptoms were disappearing. The doctor sat down with us and explained that there was nothing we could have done to cause this to happen or anything to prevent it from happening. I was grateful for that and that God never allowed me to wonder “what if” or play that game with myself. I wholeheartedly know that I did not do anything, or could not have done anything differently. I pray that if you’ve had a similar situation that you know that too. She also let us know that usually after a heartbeat is seen that miscarriages happen because developmentally something is wrong. This might sound weird but that instantly made me feel better because I knew this baby was now PERFECT in Heaven. God has his hands in all of this and during the entire process I felt Him. He was, and always is, our strength. I'm going to stop and tell you right now... God had been preparing my heart and head for yesterday for weeks and I went in to the appointment in complete peace knowing that we would not be told positive news. Was I a little hopeful? Kind of, but right before we went in for the appointment we said a prayer to let me know what we were going to see. The prayer that came to my mind was for God to prepare our hearts for this appointment. It was another God thing that helped make this situation so much easier. I am forever grateful for that! It's hard to encompass the words for a miscarriage but we are fully trusting God in this and we KNOW without a doubt that God has a plan and everything will work out. Talking to friends and family and hearing so many similar stories, my sweet husband using his incredible faith to keep my centered, and God protecting my heart has helped make this journey so much easier. key points I'm remembering right now are that God knows what’s best for us... and our feeling of contentment verifies that. In HIS time it will all come together. If my little family is supposed to stay like it is now then I will always feel complete and my cup will always run over with love and happiness from my boys!! I cannot explain how much they fulfill me and how much joy they bring to my life every minute of every single day. If God is calling us to have another baby, then we will eventually have one. If God calls us to adopt, then that is what we will do. I know He will lead us to the future He has planned and I know it will be beautiful and perfect for us. Right now we have so many blessings and things to be excited about and I just know that this hardship will create something new in us that is beautiful and worthy of His name. The rest of that day I felt a little guilty about not being too sad and feeling so peaceful and still smiling. I thought that I should just be devastated and that guilt got me until my husband used his unwavering faith to let me see that my strength and joy in this situation is HIS strength and joy. He loves us so much that he covers our darkness with His light and nothing can overcome that. After talking with friends and family, I woke up the next morning feeling happy and joyful ready for the day. I feel excited for our future and thankful for SO much. I have a big feeling that God saved our baby from a lifetime of pain or health issues and the fact that our baby opened his/her eyes in Heaven and the first thing he/she saw was Jesus... I cannot do anything but rejoice over that. His plans are always for the best... even when we don't understand them. The amount of love and support that has flooded our phones and life has been incredible. We feel so loved and that brings tears to my eyes. After my appointment, we drove home and were met with hugs and kisses from our three year old son. It's so hard to be sad about anything around him and he is forever our greatest blessing. I am so incredibly thankful for his love and for being his mommy. This too shall pass and I am profoundly thankful that God's peace and love has covered my little family the past few days. Yesterday I felt guilty about being happy despite the sad news... today I feel like God is beating the storm for me and my relationship with him is providing the way. Only time will tell our story... but I have no doubt that the story God has for us will be more magical than anything I could ever dream up. That little bean was only inside of me for 5 weeks... but what a beautiful thing to think that when we get to Heaven we have someone so precious waiting on us. Someone that never had to know pain, or heartache, or any hurt that this world brings. Our bean is Home. We rejoice and praise Him for that. If you would pray for my family I would appreciate it. The amount of prayers is 100% the reason we are able to maintain joy and happiness during this loss. Love to you all! :) HAPPY LOVE MONTH!! xoxo